It was mid-April when I wrote those words. They are now echoing back at me...reverberating thru the mountains. I was in a time and space that was about a first wedding. It was about letting go of my youngest child as she was about to step into the big shoes of responsible adulthood. It was about anticipating the letting go of my eldest - who was about to take those same wedding vows at summer's end.
The summer I had imagined was one that would be sandwiched in between joy. I never imagined that this middle would be filled with sorrow. No one did.
And - here I am at the beginning of August.
I've been breathing slow. I've been breathing faster than I ever thought I could. Time hasn't slowed. It slows for no thing and no one. Time only marches forward.
One finger at a time - I've found myself letting go of everything that I once held so tight and so dear. That I once believed would remain. Always. Just as it is. In the fantasy of forever.
Everything changes. If there's one thing in life we can always count on - it's that. Change is good. Change is hard. Change is a necessary part and piece of growing.
I'm looking for a break. A break in the clouds. A moment of clear and clairvoyant sunshine. A moment of quiet. A quiet moment of peace.
I'm hearing my own words with new eyes. I'm reminding myself of what I wrote - in my innocence - back before I knew what this summer was really going to be.
The yogis believe that we have only a finite and limited number of breaths in a lifetime. If we breathe slow...we do slow time. Time does slow.
I'm breathing slow. I'm doing my best to slow that time....even if that time is time imagined. I'm savoring all that remains of this too-short and much-too-long season of this summer.
I'm choosing to take my sweet time. I'm choosing to sit and simply observe the swirling energy as it ebbs and flows and surrounds me. I'm taking all the space I might want or need.
Moving forward is easy. Standing still is hard.
I may choose to show up here. I may choose not. I may get lost. I may get found. I'm slowing time.
And - I know - I'll return and begin again as I always have and always do.